Resilient Relationships <\/em><\/a>(Routledge Books, 2023). We have also looked to encourage university students on their undergraduate journeys through using both resilience and courage.<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
Everyone wants resilience: the ability to bounce back from adversity. The evidence on resilience is vast but inconclusive. Scientifically, we understand a lot about psychological resilience; and science understands that the single biggest factor in determining the strength of your personal resilience is the security of your relationships: your early childhood relationships, your current family bonds, your friendships, your long-term love-relationship, and even how attached you feel to society, the people around you.<\/p>\n
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No person\u2019s journey is set in stone but, if the relationship area of your life has gone well and is going well, you are more likely to be resilient: to be able to withstand the stresses of life, including bouncing back from mental illnesses. So the practical message for developing resilience is clear: take care of your relationships. The other important way to build resilience is to practice overcoming adversity using the hidden skills you may have in overcoming adversity earlier in your life. Any way that you learn from your past mistakes to do better in the future or to practice overcoming anything that seems hard helps build resilience.<\/p>\n
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But resilience is still a dirty word in today\u2019s society. Younger people in particular are told to \u201cjust be more resilient\u201d as if being \u2018un-resilient\u2019 is anyone\u2019s fault. It isn\u2019t. And people wanting to become more resilient don\u2019t know how to do it. Motivational videos will have you think that working out at the gym builds your resilience, but that inly builds up your physical strength not your psychological resilience. It takes emotional vulnerability, trust and connection. Still, it\u2019s very difficult to say to your parents, friends or love-partner things like:<\/p>\n
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\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Could you please parent me better?<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Could we take care of each other better in our friendship?<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Can I have a guarantee that this love thing we\u2019re doing continues forever?<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nOur upbringing and relationships seem out of our control, and taking care of relationships is a long-term thing anyhow, it doesn\u2019t seem to help me NOW. SO what can I do about my resilience now?<\/p>\n
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That\u2019s where courage comes in. To enter the house of resilience, you need to walk through the door of courage. It takes courage to say these very helpful things to your parents, friends or love-partner:<\/p>\n
I can forgive you for where you guys went wrong in your parenting, but could we please talk about it, to understand it, so that I can move forward in life?<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nHey, I really value our friendship, but I\u2019m likely to screw up occasionally and if I do, I hope we can talk it through so that we can trust each other more.<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nI love you and I really want this marriage to work. If you ever feel us drift apart, let me know. Together we can put in the effort to keep us on track.<\/em><\/p>\n\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\nThese statements take courage. Then comes the courage and persistence to work on good relationships to build long-term resilience. Almost anything worthwhile in life takes courage, or else you aren\u2019t even off the starting blocks and into the water. You need resilience to withstand the water and waves while in a long-distance swimming race, but you need courage to put your hand up to be in the race and jump into the water in the first place.<\/p>\n
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Resilience is the ability to withstand stress.<\/p>\n
Courage is choosing to FACE the stress in the first place.<\/p>\n
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What takes courage? Anything and everything:<\/p>\n
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Going to university<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Applying for a job<\/p>\n
Pitching your ideas to your boss<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Getting to know another human being<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Saying \u2018yes\u2019 to a long-term relationship<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Confronting your parents and working through conflict<\/p>\n
\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Getting out of bed and facing life every day<\/p>\n
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The previous three posts looked at what courage is, how courage works in the brain and how to get it working in your life. It also looked at how, in reality, a mouse has more courage than a lion. We all need courage to FACE what we need to:<\/p>\n
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F<\/strong>eel the Fear +<\/p>\nA<\/strong>ware of All factors +<\/p>\nC<\/strong>hoose Courage +<\/p>\nE<\/strong>ffort to choose useful action.<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
If, however, you are able to FACE what you need to with courage, including putting effort into keeping our relationships, then you will build as much long-term resilience as you possibly can.<\/p>\n
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Cheers<\/p>\n
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Dr Christian Heim<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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