Apple fans will doubtless be aware that WWDC 2025<\/a> is almost upon us. On Monday morning (or evening, if you\u2019re tuning in from Europe) various execs will take to a virtual stage and talk us through the big software updates coming to Apple products in 2025 and 2026. It\u2019s the second biggest date in the company\u2019s calendar, after the fall iPhone launch.<\/p>\n But who wants to wait until Monday to hear all the announcements? Not us, and not you. Fortunately, one of our editors just happened to be scavenging for food in the Apple Park trash yesterday and came across a pile of scripts, props, and rehearsal tapes\u2013more than enough evidence for us to piece together a full reconstruction of the keynote presentation you can expect to see on June 9. We present this reconstruction below.<\/p>\n Editor\u2019s note: This is a fake article (albeit one based on real sources and plausible rumors). It\u2019s supposed to be light-hearted. Please don\u2019t send us any more angry emails.<\/em><\/p>\n 09:57 a.m. PT:<\/strong> The pre-stream begins! As usual, there\u2019s a hip, toe-tapping soundtrack. The opening number is \u201cTrust Me I\u2019m A Stomach\u201d by Onion Terror. A classic.<\/p>\n 10:00:<\/strong> We\u2019re up and running! And we seem to be in the midst of an episode of \u201cMurderbot,\u201d the slightly thin sci-fi comedy which launched last month on Apple TV+. After landing on a hostile planet, the titular cyborg removes its helmet and\u2026 hold on, that\u2019s not Alexander Skarsg\u00e5rd, it\u2019s Apple Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Craig Federighi!<\/p>\n 10:05:<\/strong> Federbot shakes out his magnificent silver mane and flashes that million-dollar smile. \u201cI overrode my programming! I have free will!\u201d he chuckles, before turning and shooting Phil Schiller through the face with a laser gun. Cut to\u2026<\/p>\n 10:07:<\/strong> \u2026Tim Cook, Apple\u2019s safe-pair-of-hands CEO, standing on the bridge of an unconvincing cardboard spaceship and wearing a captain\u2019s hat. He looks utterly stricken. \u201cThat wasn\u2019t in the script,\u201d he says, weeping.<\/p>\n 10:08:<\/strong> Cook pulls himself together with difficulty. \u201cWe\u2019ve sure got a\u2026 great show for you this morning,\u201d he sniffles. \u201cOur software teams have really been\u2026 killing it, just like a\u2026 wisecracking psychopathic robot. Here at Apple we\u2019re making the world a better place by innovating simplicity through data deliverables.\u201d<\/p>\n 10:10:<\/strong> We\u2019re going to be hearing about five major Apple platforms<\/strong> today, Cook says. That\u2019s an interesting number: between the iPhone, iPad, Mac, Apple Watch, Apple TV and Vision Pro, something is getting left out. Or maybe Apple is combining the iPad and Mac<\/a> earlier than expected!<\/p>\nThe cheesy intro<\/h2>\n
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