Hi, excuse me. So sorry to bug you. But, um, are you\u2026<\/p>\n
Yes, I am.<\/em><\/p>\n
Wait, you\u2019re Jennifer? Really? Are you sure? \u00a0<\/p>\n
I\u2019m quite certain.<\/em><\/p>\n
Oh, wow. Of course you are, yeah. Not trying to be awkward here. Just caught me by surprise that you look so\u2013<\/p>\n
Thank you.<\/em><\/p>\n
No, I mean\u2026wow. Sorry, did I say that already? It\u2019s just that you\u2019re so\u2026<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t hurt yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n
I know, exactly. Total spaz alert. Sound the alarm. Like, how many times can a guy say wow? But, honestly, I had no idea you\u2019d be so beau\u2013<\/p>\n
Nobody sent you a memo?<\/em><\/p>\n
Sorry, I\u2019m being weird. Not sure why the ol\u2019 mouth won\u2019t stop talking. Like, how big is this hole I\u2019m digging, right? Just hand me the nearest shovel. Also, for some reason, keep saying \u201clike\u201d and \u201cwow.\u201d Might as well dig all the way to China at this point. Wait, did that sound racist? Because I have zero problems with the Chinese. Or any other type of person. Well, other than myself, of course. At this point, I think even my mom would tell you to end this date.<\/p>\n
Hey, at least you stopped saying \u201cwow.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n
No, yeah, that was bad for sure. It\u2019s just that you look so much younger than I thought you\u2019d be. Sorry, not younger. What I mean is\u2026um\u2026how do I put this? You\u2019re so <\/strong>beautiful. And it\u2019s kind of blowing my mind. Not that your picture is ugly, but in person you are such\u2014<\/p>\n
Wait. Did you say ugly?<\/em><\/p>\n
Woah, not that. No, no. Wrong word. Sorry, I meant the total opposite. Was trying to say that you\u2019re not<\/strong> ugly.<\/p>\n
Let me guess. You\u2019re a poet.<\/em><\/p>\n
Good one. Point taken. True, I really know how to sweep a girl back on her feet. I get it. This is going very poorly. The thing is, um, I haven\u2019t been on a date in a long time. And I\u2019m just so incredibly\u2026<\/p>\n
Horny?<\/em><\/p>\n
No, no. Out of practice. Woah. Wow. I didn\u2019t mean to infer\u2026well, yes\u2026but I didn\u2019t mean to objectify you like th\u2013<\/p>\n
It\u2019s fine, Tommy. My turn to talk now. And, yes, I do know your name is Thomas. But, let\u2019s be honest, you seem more like a Tommy.<\/em><\/p>\n
Sure, Tommy works. That\u2019s totally fine. You can call me anything you wa\u2014<\/p>\n
Easy, tiger. Here\u2019s some breaking news, Tommy. Women are, in fact, human beings too. We also have needs. And, for some unknown reason, I find myself intrigued by you. Maybe because you\u2019re the least confident person I\u2019ve ever met. Literally ever. But probably because you seem less\u2026fake\u2026than the man-boys I usually date. You\u2019re not doing the usual dog and pony show. Can\u2019t imagine you even know how. I think you might be interesting. In an awkward and possibly disordered way. But I\u2019ll give you one chance tonight. How does that sound?<\/em><\/p>\n
Can I just apologize again for the Chinese comment? Really, that\u2019s been bugging me for the last\u2014<\/p>\n
The nation of China forgives you, Tommy. We\u2019re moving on. Tonight, I\u2019m offering you the chance to play a game. Because, frankly, I\u2019m exhausted by the song and dance of dating. Year after year. It\u2019s excruciating. This repetitive ritual of bullshit. All the same people acting fake in all the same ways. So, here\u2019s a game. I want you to be 100% honest with me. Every single question I ask. All you need to do is answer with complete honesty. And, if you can do that, Tommy? If you can do that, I\u2019ll let you take me to the backseat of your car after dinner. No strings attached. Why? Because you\u2019re probably the least threatening person on the planet. And, also, I\u2019ve started to doubt that any man alive can be honest. I\u2019ll do just about anything for some true honesty. Do you want to play my game, Tommy?<\/em><\/p>\n
Um, the thing is\u2026I don\u2019t want to objectify\u2014<\/p>\n
Got it. Noted.<\/em><\/p>\n
Well, what I mean is\u2026like, is this a trick? Because I think you might be upset about the China th\u2014<\/p>\n
Jesus Christ. Yes or no? Do you want to play my game, Tommy?<\/em><\/p>\n
Yes, please. I would like to play. Thank you.<\/p>\n
Complete honesty. With every question I ask.<\/em><\/p>\n
Absolutely. It would be my honor to\u2013<\/p>\n
First question. What\u2019s your greatest fear?<\/em><\/p>\n
At the moment\u2026uh, well, it\u2019s probably you.<\/p>\n
Very good. Let\u2019s see if you can keep up this level of honesty. Next question \u2013 what would you do to me if we went to the backseat of your car?<\/em><\/p>\n
I\u2019m not sure I understand the qu\u2014<\/p>\n
Completely honest answers, Tommy.<\/em><\/p>\n
Ok, um, I mean I\u2019d want to kiss you. If that\u2019s ok. And then maybe I\u2019d try to kiss your neck a little. And then it\u2019s hard to say from there\u2026<\/p>\n
Last chance, Tommy. I\u2019m about to leave.<\/em><\/p>\n
Ok, well, I\u2019d try to take your clothes off. But you\u2019re so incredible looking\u2026and I\u2019d be so excited\u2026that I\u2019d probably stumble around for a couple minutes trying to get your bra off. Then you\u2019d look at me annoyed. Thinking you made a mistake. Which is probably accurate. So my palms would get sweaty. Very sweaty. I\u2019d worry about you feeling my palms and being grossed out. Would definitely obsess on that for a few minutes. Somehow, if you don\u2019t leave by then\u2026I\u2019ll take my pants off. Exciting moment? Sure, for most guys. But I\u2019ll mostly just wonder if you\u2019re disappointed. Which is a bit scary to experience. And by \u201ca bit scary,\u201d I mean utterly terrifying. For sure a living nightmare. So, yeah, I\u2019d mostly just be sweating and hoping I\u2019m not grossing you out. Can\u2019t imagine you\u2019d stick around for all that carnage. But I don\u2019t know for sure. Because this was such a strange question. Also very exciting, by the way. Thank you for the opportunity. Anyway, then if we actually\u2026um\u2026commence the action? Y\u2019know\u2026I mean, well\u2026proceed to liftoff? Sorry, that\u2019s weird. But rockets seem like a good analogy. Regardless, if this event did take place? Then I can\u2019t imagine it would last for more than a couple minutes. Like, I imagine heating up a Hot Pocket takes more time than I could last. Not that I\u2019m calling my thing a Hot Pocket. Definitely not the case. Although I never really had a nickname for it. I guess maybe I\u2019d call it a Jolly Rancher. Or maybe more like a Skittle. Unless, do you not like candy? I can call it something else. Definitely not locked into the fruit-flavored nicknames. Wow, is it hot in here? Can I possibly take a sip of your water?<\/p>\n
Meet me at your car in five minutes, Tommy. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n
Narrator (in Morgan Freeman\u2019s voice): That was the greatest day of Tommy\u2019s life. Unfortunately, when paying the bill, he had a heart attack from reaching such extreme levels of excitement. He eventually recovered. But Tommy never did make it to the backseat of his car. He spent the rest of his years explaining why he is not a racist. And eating Skittles with a faraway look in his eyes. Dating is very, very hard<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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