<\/p>\nMarch 23: Waxing Indignant<\/i><\/p>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
September 28
DONNY MUSES<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nPeople who can’t buy food or pay rent think they have
\nproblems? Please. I owe $421 million dollars, my laundry business is about to
\nbe exposed, not one European leader likes me (except my daddy, Putin, and I’m
\nworried that I’m in for a Polonium Cocktail once I’m no longer of use to him)
\nand most of the world–including the shithole countries–think I’m hitler.
\nEveryone who has worked for me has written a tell-all book that says I’m a
\nmoron–no, a fucking moron. No, a lying, grifting moron.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nMy golf score sucks, even though I cheat. My sons are
\nidiots. My third wife (the nude model who came over on a genius visa) sleeps in
\na separate bedroom. Ivanka keeps reminding me that she’s my daughter not my
\ngirlfriend except when she needs another Chinese tariff exemption for her
\nhandbag business. Stormy said I have a micro penis (which I do, but did she
\nhave to tell everyone?).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI have to wear depends, and I hate when it gets all squishy
\nand I can’t get changed. The mask messes up my face makeup. I can’t do a thing
\nwith my hair even though I’ve spent $70k of tax money on styling. Also, if I
\ndon’t get elected, the repugnican Senate will desert me and I will go to jail.<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n\u00a0<\/p>\n
September 29
PREPARING FOR THE DEBATE<\/b><\/span><\/p>\n
I am getting ready for tonight’s debate. My makeup was sprayed on first thing
\nin the morning (after I tweeted for four hours while sitting on the toilet), so
\nthat’s done. The hair is going to get styled just before I go on (the stylist
\ncharges $900, but I don’t have to pay her even though I claim it as an
\nexpense). Shall I wear the blue suit or the blue suit? Or maybe the blue suit?
\nI will wear the longest tie I have. They always make me feel like my penis is
\nlonger. (Take that, Stormy!). They’re putting new batteries into Melania, so
\nshe’ll be there looking more attentive than usual. She’s even getting a smile
\nchip so that she’ll keep smiling at me even after I turn around.<\/span><\/p>\nI hear that Joe is preparing for this thing. What a loser! I
\nhave a gigantic brain. I don’t need to prepare. I’ve found that hulking is
\nusually a good strategic move. Hillary was unflappable, but maybe I can make
\nJoe nervous enough to stutter.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nPutie just sent me a good luck email. “Break both
\nlegs,” it said. He owns, er, loves me.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n\u00a0. . . . .<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
September 29
A POST-DEBATE UPDATE<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nWell, I DOMINATED! Putie told me to talk loud and keep all
\nthe attention on me, and that’s what I did. I was great if I say so myself. OK,
\nso Biden called me a racist and a clown–he even said, “Shut up,
\nman!”–but I just kept talking. I’m not even sure what I said, but I loved
\nthe lights and attention. I am Donald, hear me ROAR!<\/span><\/p>\nAnd my hair looked fantastic. I breathed in some hair spray
\nwhen the stylist was working on it and got a buzz. OK, I sprayed the stuff
\nright up my nose. That high was better than the Adderall. But I took that, too.
\nI was really on. I felt twitchy, but I don’t think anyone could tell.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI leaked a little into my diaper when Chris Wallace asked me
\nto speak out against white supremacy. Well, how could I do that? He might as
\nwell have asked me to refudiate white hoods and robes. I mean, those are my
\nsupporters. (They love me.) The Proud Boys are pissed because I told them to
\nstand by. Still, they sent me a bouquet. Well, not so much a bouquet as a
\nflower box with an arrangement of dead rats, but it’s the thought that counts.
\nThere’s good on both sides. Especially theirs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI got a little nervous about the tax issue, but deflect,
\ndeflect, deflect is my motto. I said I paid millions. (Ha! Millions of
\nnothing.)<\/span><\/p>\nMy one weak spot was on Covid. I’ll never admit it, but I
\ntotally fucked up on that one. And it’s so unlike me to fuck up.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nAll in all, I think I’m on track to be Emperor for Life. I
\nmean, a second-term president. OK, dear diary, I’ve got to go tweet. I’m sure
\neveryone is saying how well I did, and I want to read every comment. But first
\nI need another hit of that hair spray. Where’s the AquaNet?<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .
\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nSeptember 30
THE DAY AFTER THE DEBATE<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nI was on fire last night. Really. I lied so much my pants
\nare singed\u2014and they are supposed to be fireproof. Fortunately the doody in my
\ndiaper protected my butt. This was not how I wanted to cover my ass\u2014for that I
\nusually rely on the Attorney General\u2014but when you\u2019re on the debate stage and
\nyou have to go, the last thing you want to do is leak. So you go in a diaper. I
\nuse the executive version with gold trim. I think they\u2019re very presidential. I
\nasked Melania, \u201cDo these gold-trimmed diapers make me look presidential?\u201d She
\ndidn\u2019t say much, just, \u201cDepends.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThanks to the Adderall I was so energetic I could have gone
\nfor another couple of hours. (The hairspray was just a quick high.) Don Lemon,
\nthe little weasel on CNN, called me \u201chopped up.\u201d And the girls on MSNBC laughed
\nat me. I\u2019d arrest Rachel Maddow but I\u2019m afraid of her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nJoe really pissed me off. He told me to shut up. Me, the
\nemperor, er, president! I told Joe he had a working-class education. If he\u2019d
\nhad someone take his SATs for him like I did, he could have gotten into Penn.
\nIt doesn\u2019t cost anything. I mean, I never saw a bill the entire time I was
\nthere. You know what else I hate about Joe? He\u2019s slim and looks good in a suit.
\nAnd since he doesn\u2019t wear a long tie, I\u2019m assuming he\u2019s comfortable with
\nwhat\u2019s, you know, behind the tie down there. Jill seems to like him. Excuse me:
\nDR. Jill. Talk about flaunting a degree. My wife and daughter wife got their degrees
\nin larger breasts, but do they flaunt them? OK, never mind.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nWhen the debate was over the Cleveland Clinic tried to
\ndetain me citing mental issues. They said I have a \u201ctenuous grasp of the
\ntruth.\u201d That\u2019s a lie. I grasp everything I can get my hands on: pussy, money,
\nIvanka. Billy Barr made them release me. He said he would detain them. The
\nchief doctor laughed. She said, \u201cDetain what? We\u2019re already here.\u201d What a
\nbitch!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nAnyway, back to me. I was so bold last night I thought for
\nsure that Melania would (finally) sleep with me again. But by the time I got
\nhome, removed my makeup, netted up my hair, and put on a clean presidential
\ndiaper, she was in her room with the door locked. Does she really need a secret
\nservice guy to stand guard outside that door all night?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI haven\u2019t heard a word from Putie since the debate. Must be
\nthe time difference. I mean, I did everything he told me to do, and more.<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .
\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 1
DEBATE BLOWBACK<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nI am getting just a little bit tired of the blowback from the debate\u2014which I
\nwon. I have been called Twitler and now Shitler. And Michael Keaton, the worst
\nBatman ever, said I didn\u2019t have a plan. He says it like it\u2019s an insult. Well,
\nit works for me. That\u2019s how I run the country.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nStormy said the debate was the worst thing she\u2019d ever
\nexperienced since the time we did it. On Facebook I saw that someone covered my
\nside of the TV with a towel. And it wasn\u2019t even a towel from a Trump Hotel,
\nwhich are the best towels. (Plush. Very plush.) I was bold, brilliant, and
\nbeautiful. When I asked Ivanka about my performance, she just said, \u201cOh Daddy.\u201d
\n(She\u2019d be dating me if I weren\u2019t her father. ) Melania said I was a bully, so I
\nremoved her batteries.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nAnd my hair looked the best ever. Completely natural.
\nEveryone said so.<\/span><\/p>\nI want to say this: Joe started it. He\u2019s the bully. He
\nlaughed at me. Did he call me stupid? I thought I heard him say that. He
\ndefinitely called me a clown. He tried to make me feel small. Well, there is
\nnothing small about me. I have the largest hands and the largest penis, as well
\nas the biggest brain. Also, the largest diapers. They are trimmed in 24-carat presidential
\ngold, just like the faucets in Trump Tower. I wish I was back there right now
\nlooking down on everyone instead of sitting on a regular porcelain toilet here
\nin the White House. But my base loves me. And I\u2019m not talking about the ones I
\npay to stand behind me with signs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI read on social media that people want a kill switch for
\nthe mic so that I can\u2019t interrupt. Others want a kill switch, period. That is
\njust mean. You\u2019d think I was tear gassing people. Or putting them in cages.<\/span><\/p>\nBut I have some loyal fans, this I will tell you. The Proud
\nBoys are standing by with a selection of badges, t-shirts, and mugs. And David
\nDuke sent me a gold-plated hood. He knows how much I love the hoods. And, of
\ncourse, the gold.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nBut I haven\u2019t heard a word from Putie since my brilliant
\nperformance. What does polonium taste like? I\u2019m going to have Tiffany test my
\nfood before I eat it. Melania suggested I just prepare my own meals. One more
\ncomment like that and I\u2019m going to sell that little robot for parts.<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 2
NOBLE, VERY NOBLE<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nCovid? Me? I\u2019m going to ignore it. It will be gone, like a
\nmiracle.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nToday I want to talk about prizes. I am noble. Everyone says
\nso. Therefore I think I should win the Noble Prize. Ivanka, my daughter wife,
\nwill accompany me to Norway. Or is it Sweden? Or Denmark? I forget. I like the
\nDanish pastry, though. I also like the Swedish meatballs and the leggy
\nblondes\u2014especially the leggy blondes, that I can tell you. Ivanka is a leggy
\nblond, but she\u2019s not Swedish. Actually she\u2019s not blond, either\u2014the carpet
\ndoesn\u2019t match the drapes\u2014which I know because I \u201caccidentally\u201d walked on her once
\nwhen she was a teenager. Well, OK, at least four dozen times. Oops. (I did that
\nat the Miss Pubescent Teenage Universe Galaxy contest, too. Which I own, so I
\ncan do that.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe important thing is that being so noble, I should get the
\nprize. Obama got one, and he isn\u2019t noble. He isn\u2019t even white. (And let\u2019s
\nnot even discuss the birth certificate, which he showed, and Hawaii showed, but
\nI still don\u2019t believe. So he had a white American mother. Big deal. He\u2019s still
\nKenyan.)
\n<\/span><\/p>\nOn the subject of prizes, Amy Coney Barrett is a Rhodes
\nScholar. You know who else is a Rhodes
Scholar? Rachel Maddow (what a dyke!), Pete Buttigieg (what a fag!), Cory
\nBooker (what a negro!), Susan Rice (I\u2019m more afraid of her than I am of
\nMaddow), and Bill Clinton (President Blow Job, I call him).\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nOh, wait, my bad, as Blondie, my press secretary, said.
\nBarrett was a student at Rhodes College in Tennessee. Well, that makes her a
\nRhodes scholar in my book. Wikipedia says that \u201cStudents at Rhodes College are
\nin an ideal location for experiential learning and extracurricular fun.\u201d At
\nfirst I thought it said \u201cexperimental\u201d learning. That\u2019s what I did at Wharton,
\nwhere one of my professors called me \u201cthe dumbest goddam student I ever had.\u201d I
\ndon\u2019t know what \u201cexperiential learning\u201d is, but I\u2019ll bet that Barrett was tons
\nof extracurricular fun\u2014member of the Jesus Prayer Group, member of the Holy
\nGhost Ouija Society (\u201choly ghost,\u201d ha ha, Happy Halloween!), the Student
\nAnti-Abortion Coordinating Committee (their logo was a dismembered fetus, which
\ndoesn\u2019t look all that human to me, but hey, the anti-choice thing is working
\nfor my base), and a special private club called The Handmaidens. (The robes are
\na bit much. They should show more cleavage.) Then she graduated to a secret
\nCatholic group called Children of the Corn.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nAnyway, her husband gave her permission to be on the Supreme
\nCourt, and that\u2019s good enough for me. The National Republican Senatorial
\nCommittee has already had t-shirts made saying \u201cThe Spurious A.C.B.\u201d I hope
\nGinsburg is furious. Brett Cavanaugh is furious, too. He never got a t-shirt.
\nBut \u201cDrunken Frat Rapist Who Likes Beer and Was Reduced to Tears by Kamala
\nHarris at His Hearing\u201d is just too many words for a t-shirt.<\/span><\/p>\nSpeaking of too many words, I have reached my limit. It
\nhurts when I think. Everyone says so.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n\u00a0. . . . .<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
October 3
SICK & DELUSIONAL<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nFinally, something positive for me in 2020. But why did it
\nhave to be Covid?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nNow I\u2019m in the hospital. I wanted to be sequestered with
\nIvanka for two weeks, but she said no. Then I asked Hope Hicks. She\u2019s like a
\ndaughter to me, and you know what that means. Usually I prefer blondes (except
\nfor that horse face, Ann Coulter), but Hope turns me on. The long brown hair!
\nThe aviator glasses! Cashmere and flannel. Doesn\u2019t she look like a Ralph Lauren
\nmodel? I may be sick, but my tiny is getting chubby just thinking about her.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nMelania put her foot down on Hope. And when she puts her
\nfoot down in those high heels, she could drill a hole through your instep. Mrs.
\nRobot is quarantined at the White House. She has been mad at me ever since I
\nwon the election\u2014which I won bigly, by the way\u2014and she got stuck designing the
\nChristmas decorations. Even I thought those blood red trees were too much, and
\nyou know my taste for the garish is bottomless. (Ha, bottomless. My tiny is
\ngetting chubby again.) She has not let me near her since I had my little
\ninterlude with Stormy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nBut give me an iPhone and a toilet and I\u2019ll make the best of
\nit.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThis Covid is not my fault. I blame Connie Chung. She\u2019s
\nChinese. I blame Hillary. She should have known about Covid in December and
\ndone something it. But no, she was busy running that pedophile ring out of the
\nbasement of that pizza place in Seattle. I blame Obama. (I blame him for all
\nthe things I haven\u2019t been able to do which is pretty much everything, that I
\ncan tell you.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe evangelicals are chanting \u201cJesus is your vaccine.\u201d
\n(Buncha dopes. But they\u2019re dopes with votes.) What happened to the x-ray doctor
\nI\u2019ve been touting? The voodoo bleach lady? They are nowhere to be found. Now I
\nhave to depend on science and actual medicine. My base will be furious!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nAt least I don\u2019t have to do any more debates. I don\u2019t like
\nto admit this, but I yell and interrupt when I am scared. If Mike catches it,
\nNANCY PELOSI WILL BE RUNNING THE COUNTRY!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI\u2019M NOT FEELING VERY WELL! WHERE\u2019S THE BLEACH? WHERE\u2019S THE
\nVENTILATOR? GET ME THE UV LIGHT!
\n<\/span><\/p>\nHERMAN CAIN, IS THAT YOU?<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 4
WHERE THERE\u2019S A WILL, THERE\u2019S A WAY<\/b><\/p>\n
Melania and I have been talking about what would happen if
\nwe die from Covid. Here\u2019s what we have decided so far: Trump Tower will be
\nturned into the Trump Family Mausoleum. Our apartment will be the inner
\nsanctum. It already has the marble floors, the ceiling frescoes, the crystal chandeliers,
\nthe posh furnishings, and the Renoirs. It will be a classy memorial to us. Very
\nclassy.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n(Some people have said the Renoirs are fake. Wrong! These
\nare the same people who have said my hair looks like straw and Melania\u2019s
\ncheekbones are implants like her breasts. Liberal media lies!)
\n<\/span><\/p>\nMelania wants to be taxidermied and displayed naked on a fur
\nrug in the living room, like those photos she took when she was a model. I
\nthink this is a very great idea. Since she already looks like she\u2019s
\ntaxidermied, she will look lifelike forever.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI want to be gilded. I\u2019m not sure how this will work,
\nbecause I also want to be bronzed. Behind me will be the eight-foot portrait of
\nme in my tennis whites\u2014the painting I commissioned with the money I took from
\nthe Trump Cancer Charity for Children. I am also instructing that a marble
\nstatue of me be placed in the lobby. I\u2019m thinking something like the David, but
\nwith a much larger penis. Is that Italian guy, Angelo, available? I want
\nmonumental, something that Andrew Cuomo will have to look up to.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe boys want my money, that I will tell you, so we have to
\nbe clear in our wills. I trust Ivanka to execute the arrangements, because she
\nand Jared have made so much money while in the White House that they don\u2019t need
\nany of mine.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI am leaving everything to charity. (Ha ha, that\u2019s a joke.
\nWe take from charities, we don\u2019t give to them.) Each of the three boys gets an
\nequal share of Mar-a-Lago and the golf courses (plus the debt that comes with
\neach one). They\u2019re going to have to share. Don Jr. will go ballistic. He has
\nalways wanted to be my favorite son. They\u2019re going to have to pay taxes on
\neverything, too. The IRS will love them. Putie will get any money the IRS
\ndoesn\u2019t seize. I mean, it was all his anyway.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nOh, I forgot Tiffany. I always forget Tiffany. Why start
\nremembering her now?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nMy niece Mary sent us a heard-you-were-sick card. She
\nsuggested that we leave our blankets to Mitch McConnell, Steven Miller, and
\nBilly Barr.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI see that it\u2019s time for the UV light to go up my butt. I
\nkind of like it. Makes my tiny a little bit chubby.<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\n
October 5
FEVER DREAM<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nThat little joyride really wiped me out. I was needing a
\nlittle attention\u2014I don\u2019t get much from Melania, I will tell you that\u2014but I
\nthink I overdid it. When I returned to my bed I passed out.
\n<\/span><\/p>\nI felt myself fall through a tunnel of light\u2014not UV light,
\nlike the one that went up my butt, but a giant floaty tunnel of soft white
\nrays. My dad, Fred Sr., met me at a big pearly gate. \u201cWelcome, son,\u201d he said,
\npulling me close and putting his arms around me. It was the first time he\u2019d
\never done that. Jeez, I had to die for a hug?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nPutie was there, too. He was bare chested, like always,
\nriding a big white stallion, and I must admit that my tiny got a bit chubby
\njust looking at his smooth, muscular skin. He let us in. Heaven was all shiny
\nand silvery, but too tasteful for me. No gold. No fountains. I prefer showy,
\nlike Mar-a-Lago. What\u2019s eternity without glitz? But I was with my dad.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nDid you know that heaven has neighborhoods? Fred took me
\nover to the Queens part of heaven, where I saw our apartment buildings. They
\nwere cleaner and more beautiful than I remember, sparkling, with only white
\npeople living in them, like when we owned them. Ah, this part of heaven really
\nis Heaven! I mean, I wouldn\u2019t live in an apartment like that if you paid me,
\nbut I liked that they were all white and that I was with my dad. I was just
\nstarting to feel like the person I always wanted to be.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThen everything changed. A powerful black woman with the
\nlargest afro I have ever seen came over to us. Who is this bitch, I though.
\nDefinitely not a 10. Somehow she read my thoughts. \u201cI am beyond numbers, you
\nfool. I am god,\u201d she bellowed. \u201cAnd you three are in the wrong place.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\nSuddenly Fred pushed me away and called me \u201ca worthless
\nlittle shit.\u201d Putie grew fangs and kept saying, \u201cDrink the polonium. Drink the
\npolonium.\u201d I was back in the tunnel, falling, falling. It was dark and hot. I
\nkept going down.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nWhen I came to there was fire all around. It was hot as
\nhell. That\u2019s when I realized where I was. I saw myself in a mirror wearing
\nflaming red robes. But it wasn\u2019t a mirror. The devil looked just like me.
\nMelania was there, taxidermied, her face in a squinty grimace. Everyone in my
\nlife was there, all of them taxidermied with their faces in squinty grimaces.
\nExcept for Eric, whose gummy grin and eyebrowless forehead were exactly the
\nsame as in life. My dad started chanting, \u201cYou are a worthless shit!\u201d Then mom,
\nMary, joined in. Ivana, Marla, Melania, Tiffany, Baron, Jared, Stormy, even
\nIvanka, kept chanting, \u201cWorthless shit! Worthless shit!\u201d I heard Michael Cohen
\nlaughing behind me. All the generals I fired or who quit were there with him
\nchanting \u201cWorthless shit! Worthless shit!.\u201d Kellyanne Conway, Billy Barr, Steve
\nMnuchin, Mike Pompeo, and Mitch McConnell were there, too, stuffed and grimacing
\nand pointing their fingers at me. \u201cWorthless shit! Worthless shit!.\u201d (That
\nBilly Barr needed a lot of stuffing.)<\/span><\/p>\nDon Jr. was the only one who was not taxidermied. He ran
\nover to hug me. \u201cDad, Dad, you\u2019re everything to me!\u201d I pushed him away. \u201cYou\u2019re
\na worthless shit,\u201d I said.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nKnow who I didn\u2019t see? Biden, Harris, Pelosi, and Schumer.
\n\u201cWhere\u2019s Sleepy Joe and the others?\u201d I asked. They answered in unison as if
\nfrom a higher place. \u201cWe\u2019re running the country, you worthless shit. Covid is
\ngone, the Proud Boys are humbled, and we\u2019ve restored Democracy.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI shrieked and screamed: Nooooooooo! Not Democracy!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThen I woke up to a dozen doctors leaning over me. \u201cThe
\nfever has broken,\u201d one of them said. I got another shot of bleach and felt well
\nenough to write down this dream.<\/span><\/p>\nI know you think I\u2019m going to say that having seen the light
\nI\u2019ve, well, seen the light. But I haven\u2019t. Now get me a handicapped person to
\nmake fun of.<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\n
October 6
FAMILY MATTERS<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nThis Corona Virus has made me think about family. Normally I don\u2019t pay
\nattention to my children. They\u2019re just there and I give them money, but I
\nrealize they could get sick and I could lose them. Then who would do my dirty
\nwork? (Besides Michael Cohen, who I never trusted, plus he went to jail. What a
\nloser.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nIvanka is more than a daughter to me. Well, in my fantasies,
\nanyway. She\u2019s the smartest of all four, or is it five, of my children. I have
\nsaid many times that I\u2019d be dating her if she weren\u2019t my daughter. But she went
\nto Jared. (A little joke. She always goes to Bulgari.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nI put up with Jared even though he shares Ivanka\u2019s bed
\nbecause he\u2019s my unofficial Secretary of State. He\u2019s even buddies with the Saudi
\nhead of state who prances around in robes like he\u2019s a king or something. (That
\nguy is ruthless. He had a journalist killed and dismembered for saying bad
\nthings about him. Hmm, maybe I should take a page from his<\/i> journal.)\u00a0 <\/span>But Jared can be just as ruthless. His real estate company in Baltimore evicted a single mother who was dying of cancer. He also billed a woman for repairs to an apartment that had mold growing on the ceiling and maggots coming out of the rug. <\/span><\/p>\nEven Fred Sr. wasn\u2019t that ruthless, although he did send in goons to scare
\npeople who wouldn\u2019t move out of his properties. Oh, wait, I did that.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nDon Jr. has tried everything to win my affection, but he\u2019s just a needy jerk. Needy. I
\nhate needy. And I have no patience with jerks, that I can tell you. I keep him
\naround, though, because he\u2019ll do anything for me. I could ask him to shoot
\nsomeone in the middle of Fifth Avenue and he\u2019d do it. He left his wife and five
\nchildren for Kimberly Guilfoyle. Now her, I like. Sure, she looks like the
\nlove child of Leona Helmsley and The Joker, but she\u2019s my kind of gal. Not to
\nsleep with\u2014as I say, she looks creepy, plus she\u2019s half Puerto Rican\u2014but she\u2019s
\nbeen sued for sexual harassment and I get that. <\/span><\/p>\nEric was a cute kid, but his gums developed faster than the
\nrest of him, and, well, you can see what happened. He\u2019s married to Lara who is
\na senior adviser at the White House. Keep the power and the money in the
\nfamily, I always say.<\/span><\/p>\nI don\u2019t know if Tiffany is married or if she has any kids. I don\u2019t give her
\nthat much attention. And I certainly don\u2019t give her much money, so Tiffany definitely
\ngoes to Jared. She\u2019s going to have to marry rich, that I can tell you.
\n<\/span><\/p>\nAnd, Baron, I almost forgot about him. I\u2019m told he has a
\nSlovenian accent like his mother. I knew that would happen because she gave him to her parents to raise. They have an apartment in Trump Tower. That’s some high-priced babysitting. High priced, believe me.<\/span><\/p>\nSpeaking of Melania\u2019s parents, her father looks just like me. He\u2019s the same
\nage, too. Some people say that\u2019s Freudian, but why would she want to sleep with
\nher father? He has no money.<\/p>\n
. . . . .
\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 7
BE BEST<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nDear Donald Journal,<\/p>\n
Today I write for Donald. I am still sick but feeling well enough to write on my
\ngold laptop in my bedroom at White House where I am quarantine. If I were in
\nNew York, I would be in gold-trim bed with satin sheets in gold-trim room
\nin gold-fill apartment. I go back there soon and change locks before he get home.
\n(If he die, apartment is mine, but I change locks anyway because Ivanka will
\ntry to take it over, like she did in East Wing.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nMy mother has come to cook for me, just as when I was little. Nothing
\nmake me feel better than nice bowl of \u017dganci with cabbage and sour milk. <\/span><\/span>I<\/span> never eat too much because Donald want I stay slim. So stupid it is
\nbecause I have not let him touch me since affair with Stormy, but he want
\npeople to think he still fucking a super model. <\/span><\/span><\/p>\nYes, I say fucking. It was first English word I learn when I get here. I am not
\nactually genius, even though I have genius visa, but I am smart enough to get
\ninto country, have a nice place to live, have anchor baby, and bring my parents over. No cage for us! Also, I was never super model,
\njust pretty girl from Slovenia willing to do soft porn.<\/p>\n
Maybe this year I skip the fucking Christmas decorations. To outdo blood red
\ntrees from last year, I will have to make them explode, and already I hear
\nenough bad things about Rose Garden. I just want to go shopping and have
\naffair. But I tell myself that when I am widow I will have plenty of time to shop
\nand have sex. Also, I would also like to be contestant on \u201cDancing with Stars.\u201d
\nI have learned enough about cheating scores to win for sure. <\/p>\n
I will delete this before Donald read it. Instead I will say how smart and
\npowerful he is, that he really knows how to satisfy woman. And world respect
\nhim\u2014bigly, as he say. If Donald happy, he stay away from me. <\/p>\n
I do like to be writing, though. When I leave White House, I hope in January if not sooner, \u00a0<\/span>I will write memoir. I think of perfect title. I call it
\n\u201cBecoming.\u201d<\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/span><\/p>\nOctober 8
HOLD THE SWAT TEAM<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nUntil now, the worst that could happen to a man on TV is that his fly was down.
\nWell maybe Mike’s was, but he was seated so who would know?<\/span><\/p>\nNo, I made TV history. I went right for Mike Pence\u2019s head. I like nothing
\nbetter than a full pile of soft shit, and he did not disappoint. Like his boss,
\nhe offers an unending supply. And I have to say my closeup was so much more
\ndignified than the cartoon of me buzzing around a Trump turd. <\/span><\/p>\nOh, plenty of Pence\/fly jokes flew after my appearance: Mike
\nPence is decomposing on\u00a0live television.<\/i>
\nEven the fly knew its two-minute limit. <\/i>And my fave, Last time Mike
\nPence\u2019s head was under a fly, he broke a tooth on the zipper<\/i>. (Mother hates
\nthat one.) \u00a0But I was not joking around.
\nI am Musca Domestica and I had a mission. The lights were nice and warm, good
\nfor incubation, and his hair offered a soft landing.<\/span><\/p>\nI laid 500 eggs in his hair.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\nMike is a right-to-life
\nguy, so now he\u2019s got to carry them to term. My Baby Daddy. (Mother is furious.)
\nPlease, Joe, hold the swatter until after my children have flown.<\/span><\/p>\n
If you see Mike Pence Jr., Mike Pence Jr. Jr., Mike Pence Jr. Jr. Jr., Mike
\nPence Jr. Jr. Jr. Jr., or any of my little Pences, give them a hug from Mom. \u00a0Now I\u2019m off to vote early. Biden all the way!<\/p>\n
. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\n
\n
<\/span>October 9
<\/span>GATHERING STORM<\/b><\/span><\/p>\nAh, jeez. You fuck a guy a few times and then you get sucked into his
\nsturm und drang. Who knew that when we met at a celebrity golf tournament in
\nTahoe our paths would not only cross but intertwine? I liked his power. He liked
\nmy breasts. But I got bored once I realized he\u2019d never put me on \u201cThe
\nApprentice\u201d like he promised.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Did you know that Sturm und Drang was going to be my stage
\nname? I even had cards printed, but my manager said it sounded too much like a
\ncomedy team so we went with Stormy instead.<\/span><\/p>\nSince Donny is still fighting off the \u201choax,\u201d as he calls it, I
\nthought I would try my hand at journal writing. Won\u2019t he be surprised to see me
\nin here! (Melania, too, in case she peeks. Hey, Mel, “porn hooker” here. How’s your prenup?) All I can say is that I\u2019m glad I had that little interlude with him
\nwell before this pandemic. I have caught a lot of things in this business but
\nCovid is not one of them, and I\u2019d like to keep it that way. (Let me tell
\nyou, giving a blowjob on camera with a mask on is not easy.) Anyway, \u201clittle\u201d is the operative word with
\nDonny. I told reporters he has a little mushroom. I was being kind. Really, it
\nwas more like an acorn. A tiny, stunted acorn. It\u2019s no wonder he
\novercompensates in everything else. <\/p>\n
Normally, I don\u2019t care about penis size. I mean, after the pounding I take in
\nfront of the camera, in my personal life I prefer a man who\u2019s not so well
\nendowed. It\u2019s the motion of the ocean, not the size of the wave, I always say.
\nBut he is fixated on being known as the biggest and the best. The $130,000 he
\npaid me was not to keep quiet about the sex, it was to say what a
\nlarge power tool he has and how expertly he uses it. You\u2019d think he
\nwas the star of \u201dThis Old House\u201d\u2014not the PBS show, the movie I did in which a
\ncarpenter arrives to fix my back porch and ends up making a service entrance. (And you thought I was going to make
\na joke about studs and getting nailed.)<\/p>\n
I like this journal writing. I think I will write a memoir of my own. I\u2019m going to call it
\n\u201cComing.\u201d<\/p>\n
. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 10
DON’T CRY FOR ME<\/b><\/p>\n
As I was leaving the hospital, I heard several of the doctors say, \u201cWhat an asshole.\u201d I wondered what proctologists were doing in the ICU, but not my concern. I just wanted to get out of there. A Presidential Motorcade took me back to the White House. I love a parade. I\u2019m just sorry we didn\u2019t have tanks leading the way.<\/span><\/p>\nBefore I went into the Presidential quarters I paused on the balcony to show myself to the handful of people who had gathered. I mean, the enormous crowd waiting for a glimpse of me. Some jerk from CNN called me \u201cCovita.\u201d I got the reference, even though Broadway is for fags. The truth is I am much more powerful than Juan Peron ever was. Besides, I was channeling my brother from another country, Benito. When it comes to power and showmanship, Mussolini is my man. He could work a balcony like nobody’s business. Melita, I mean Melania, was in bed in her room recovering. She keeps her\u00a0distance.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I barely made it to my own bed I was so out of breath. When I was napping in the Presidential quarters, the giant disembodied head of Dr. Fauci appeared to me. It came right up close and whispered, \u201cI told you so.\u201d (Well, more like \u201cOi told you so.\u201d That Brooklyn accent is nothing like my perfect Queens English.) Then Dr. Birx wrapped one of her scarves around my face so tight I could hardly breathe. I woke up gasping for air.\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nThe medical staff at the White House gave me more meth, or whatever it\u2019s called, and I felt better. In fact I haven\u2019t felt this good in 40 years. I feel pretty, oh so pretty. Sorry, wrong musical. I just need a little. . .\u00a0 more . . . air.<\/p>\n
The doctors think I might need a lung replacement so that I can breathe better. Do you know that my new lungs will come from another person? I told them: no women, no blacks, no Jews, no Mexicans, no queers. I want lungs from a straight white male, preferably good looking. If not, they can take them from Don Jr. He always says he\u2019d do anything for me. He can have Eric\u2019s. I want the new lungs monogrammed with \u201c45,\u201d like my shirt cuffs, and trimmed in gold. Can they do that?<\/span><\/p>\nHope says I should tell my supporters that Covid is not a hoax, and that everyone should be wearing masks and socially distancing.\u00a0<\/span>What a comedian!<\/span>\u00a0<\/span>Tell my supporters to wear masks? My base would desert me like rats from a sinking ship. (Not that I\u2019m a sinking ship. I float. I\u2019m the best floater, believe me.)\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nIn between tweets I\u2019m watching\u00a0Weekend at Bernie\u2019s\u00a0<\/i>on my phone. Hilarious. I love the premise.\u00a0
<\/span><\/p>\nNow what the hell is this? I find everyone has been writing in my journal. Who\u2019s next, Kellyanne? The Lincoln Project? Get off my lawn!<\/span><\/p>\n. . . . .<\/span><\/p>\nOctober 11
AMY\u2019S SUPREME DILEMMA<\/span><\/b><\/p>\nMy Dearest President, <\/span><\/p>\nI am writing in your journal so that you, and only you, will see this. I have a
\nproblem from which I cannot recuse myself.\u00a0<\/p>\n
You are getting an antibody drug to treat your Covid virus. I am grateful to
\nheaven that you are feeling better. But the medicines that have given you a
\nmiraculous recovery were made using embryonic stem cells.\u00a0 I believe that life begins at fertilization. I understand you feel the
\nsame way. If you take a medicine that uses the
\nstems cells which come from aborted fetuses, are you not a murderer? How can you have been sent by God to lead us if you are
\nwilling to accept so many teeny tiny deaths?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
\nPlease pray with me as I try to resolve this dilemma.<\/span><\/p>\nIf I say nothing, I can be confirmed to the Supreme Court and
\ngo on to deny women agency over their own bodies and help roll back all the advances
\nthey have made\u2014fair pay, the right to own property, the right
\nto vote, even the right to hold office\u2014all the better for them to serve their
\nhusbands. I
\nmay even be able to bring burkas to our country. I know you agree that the sooner we can return to the Middle Ages, the sooner Jesus will return to us. And, of course, I will be in a
\nposition, along with Justices Thomas and Kavanaugh, to eliminate LBJFK rights,
\nincluding gay marriage. Queers, eww.<\/span><\/p>\nBut if I don\u2019t speak out against your murderous hypocrisy, I will forever be
![](\"https:\/\/blogger.googleusercontent.com\/img\/b\/R29vZ2xl\/AVvXsEh8dd0kESteN288ZGf5k2q1Bmd_tA5atPnRdkSRfeJb875_syhTFpbMuDUERrRcGbAbFhNW2Qk0KaR_AV8HgWJ2m27FAHxtKiK2d0qlhMyXBcJXOCAulxJjWajHpS6NRApzObrKSWMy8pgd\/s1600\/trump-signature-16x-9_colorcorrected.jpeg\")
<\/a><\/div>\n