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THEORY OF 21ST CENTURY CUSTODY<\/strong><\/p>\n Gone are the days where mothers are viewed as the primary care givers.\u00a0 In Missouri, like many other states, the Court cannot consider the gender of the parent in making a custody determination.\u00a0 \u00a0Each parent is considered of equal importance in the life of a child and each parent should have \u201ccontinued and meaningful\u201d contact with the child.\u00a0 \u00a0While each parent\u2019s exact role may differ, their importance in the life of the child does not differ.\u00a0 Children want and deserve meaningful relationships with both parents, so long as that can be safely accomplished.<\/p>\n
VS.\u00a0<\/strong>REALITY<\/b><\/p>\n In order to be effective at joint custody and shared parenting the parents have to be capable of real communication.\u00a0 Open and honest communication to present a united front for their child.\u00a0 They need to be able to share ideas and reach decisions together to benefit the child.\u00a0 However, these are often parties who are recently divorced or have a child in common and were never married.\u00a0 \u00a0Either way the bitterness and anger are real after a split, and those two particular emotions are not helpful in effective communication.\u00a0 Although, we have all communicated out of bitterness or anger.\u00a0 The results are not favorable.<\/p>\n
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\nThe change to view parents as equal has led to a shift in the traditional custody plans of every other weekend.\u00a0 In Missouri, and many other jurisdictions, it is believed that joint custody is in a child\u2019s best interest.\u00a0 That allows both parents to share in the health, education and welfare decisions for the child.\u00a0 \u00a0That means there is a presumption that the parties should be able to share custody of the child and make decisions together for the child\u2019s best interest.\u00a0 To be awarded sole custody in today\u2019s courts is unusual without substantial evidence that joint custody is not in the best interest of the child.<\/p>\n
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\nMost recently, Missouri has a House Bill that when (or if) signed into law will make the presumption that the parents can share time with the child equally.\u00a0 The parents will then have to argue to the Court why equal time is not in the best interest of the child.\u00a0 \u00a0The Court would be required to make specific findings as to why it is not in the best interest of the child to spend equal time with each parent.\u00a0 \u00a0Courts are already ordering shared parenting more often when the parties live in close proximity and share equally in the responsibility of parenting.\u00a0 \u00a0I suspect we will only see shared parenting increase in the near future.<\/p>\n
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\nThe spirit and intention behind the push for joint custody and shared parenting is easy to see.\u00a0 Objectively, we can say that a child wants and deserves to have both parents actively participate in their lives.\u00a0 Assuming there are not true safety concerns.\u00a0 Each parent teaches a child different lessons and provides a different perspective, even when the parents are together in a home with the child.\u00a0 A child of parents who do not reside together should be no less entitled to the value of meaningful relationships with their parents.<\/p>\n
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\nThe opportunities to disagree and fight for what is \u201cright\u201d are plenty.\u00a0 \u00a0The child wants to play football or take a dance class and that activity is taking place on \u201cmy time.\u201d\u00a0 \u00a0It is also taking place on the other parent\u2019s \u201ctime.\u201d\u00a0 The truth is children need activities to learn to be part of a team, to socialize, to find new interests, etc.\u00a0 \u00a0It is their childhood, and if the parents were together both would be at football or dance.\u00a0 \u00a0That doesn\u2019t change because the parents aren\u2019t together.\u00a0 This is your CHILD\u2019S TIME.\u00a0 Enjoy it, together.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to sit together, but you can independently support your child from the same geographic location.<\/p>\n
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\nThe other parent isn\u2019t spending \u201cquality time\u201d when they have the child.\u00a0 \u00a0They have to work or are in the shop working on projects.\u00a0 They don\u2019t really spend time with the child.\u00a0 The truth is no one can make every moment they spend with their child \u201cquality time.\u201d\u00a0 We all have responsibilities that we must take care of when we are raising children.\u00a0 Those are learning opportunities.\u00a0 \u00a0It is during those tasks children learn to do dishes, take out the trash, work on the car, do laundry and become responsible and capable adults.\u00a0 They also provide amazing memories.\u00a0 \u00a0Some of my favorite memories are of projects I worked on with my parents.\u00a0 \u00a0I learned skills I still use today.\u00a0 Just because you aren\u2019t playing and going somewhere all the time does not mean time is not \u201cquality.\u201d<\/p>\n
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\nPeople seem to think as long as they are discussing these issues from a keyboard their child is safe from the outcome.\u00a0 However, that is far from true.\u00a0 \u00a0If you are discussing your child custody case and the other parent on text, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. it is not a secret from your child.\u00a0 First, they learn to read and will read the messages on your phone.\u00a0 \u00a0Many of them already have social media accounts, but if they don\u2019t their friends\u2019 parents do have accounts and see all your posts.\u00a0 \u00a0Your \u201cfriends\u201d screenshot the posts and share them with the other parent.\u00a0 Then the fight is on, again.<\/p>\n
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\nThe anger and bitterness parents feel toward one another is visited on the child.\u00a0 \u00a0They see and hear all that you say about the other parent.\u00a0 A child somehow can\u2019t hear you say, \u201cClean your room!\u201d from three feet away, but you go to another room on the phone and they have sonar hearing.\u00a0 I promise they hear what you say to others, and more importantly they sense the tension, anger, sadness and turmoil.\u00a0 The two people they love most in the world are constantly angry and upset because they are fighting over me.\u00a0 If it weren\u2019t for me they would not fight, and they would be happy.\u00a0 How sad is that?<\/p>\n
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\nShared parenting can be done very effectively, if you will put aside your differences for the child.\u00a0 \u00a0It is possible to treat each other with civility and respect.\u00a0 It is possible to have discussions without calling names and bringing up every past slight.\u00a0 It is possible to always consider what is best for the child you share.\u00a0 That child is the best parts of both of you and deserves to feel loved and supported by BOTH OF YOU.<\/p>\n
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\nShared parenting is not necessarily easy, but if done with a spirit of cooperation and maturity the child will benefit.\u00a0 \u00a0The child will feel free to love both parents and to enjoy and delight in the diversity each parent brings to the child\u2019s life.\u00a0 It is a combination of all of the experiences and lessons in our childhood that determine our future.\u00a0 \u00a0We all want our child to have the best future possible.\u00a0 \u00a0Your child deserves a future with many happy memories from both parents!<\/p>\n
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