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Those who are not men in need of \u201cfashion\u201d \u201cessentials\u201d or \u201cluxury\u201d advice would typically have missed <\/span>a video<\/span><\/a> from a \u201ctips for men\u201d account on X. For the users still haunting the purgatory that is that website, the clip, which follows a man in an exceedingly gray apartment going through his morning routine, doesn\u2019t, on first glance, ring alarm bells. X is a minefield of weird content these days, and this would ordinarily be yet another post to scroll past. But there\u2019s a flash of cobalt blue that catches the eye. Then again… and again.<\/span><\/p>\n
In the video, which was first posted on TikTok a month ago, fitness coach Ashton Hall <\/span>theatrically<\/span><\/a> dives into <\/span>a no-diving pool<\/span><\/a>, smears a banana peel over his face after eating said banana, takes a dubious work call and eats eggs and bacon prepared by a faceless person in the (again, gray) kitchen. But what people are most delighting in dunking on\u2014no pun intended, but you\u2019ll see why that\u2019s funny in a second\u2014is the slew of Saratoga water bottles that accompany him each step of the way. At 3:54 a.m., he brushes his teeth with the \u201cpremium bottled water.\u201d At 4:04, it\u2019s by his side as he does some morning push-ups. He drinks it at 4:55 while watching what sounds like a sermon. At 5:46\u2014and this is perhaps the most chaotic\u2014he pours it into a glass bowl filled with ice, then dunks his face into it, like a head-only cold plunge. By my count, a Saratoga bottle appears on screen at least eight more times after that.<\/span>
<\/p>\n Like the contents of a conspicuous bottle of Saratoga into a double-walled glass mug, the jokes poured in. Hall was <\/span>dubbed<\/span><\/a> \u201cSaratoga water dude.\u201d People pointed out that he <\/span>does this<\/span><\/a> a lot. The official Empire State Building account <\/span>had a laugh<\/span><\/a>, as did <\/span>Saratoga<\/span><\/a>. The video birthed a canon of <\/span>copycats<\/span><\/a> and nods to the routine with <\/span>photos<\/span><\/a> of the <\/span>bottles<\/span><\/a> at the <\/span>grocery store<\/span><\/a>. In true internet fashion, some <\/span>criticized<\/span><\/a> the performative nature of taking said photos.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Many believed the video was sponsored, though that seems unlikely. The sadder reality is that it\u2019s not. But why shill for a pseudo-luxury water brand?<\/span><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n My guess is that Hall is one of the influencers doing <\/span>fake \u201csponcon\u201d<\/span><\/a> for street cred, pretending to be paid for, supposedly, doing what he already does every morning. And why not? The entire genre of \u201croutine\u201d content online is built on conceit. The videos endure because, as Sophie Haigney <\/span>writes in <\/span>The New York Times<\/span><\/i><\/a>, they appeal to voyeurism while also being \u201ccuriously devoid of real intimacy.\u201d A routine is an aspiration: to have order, to be the kind of CEO who can flippantly <\/span>say<\/span><\/a>, \u201cwe got to go ahead and get it to at least 10,000,\u201d to have made it.<\/span><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n In that way, the Saratoga bottle isn\u2019t truly luxury\u2014and not just because the water snobs out there say so. When I watch Hall\u2019s video, I think back to a couple of years ago, during the boom of the <\/span>Beverage Girlies<\/span><\/a>, when young people online were deeming their seltzers as \u201ctreats\u201d only to find themselves not feeling relaxed or indulgent, but stuck in the grind. The \u201cfunctional\u201d beverages were turning rest into more work, only now it was toward having a healthy gut. And having a <\/span>three-drink rotation<\/span><\/a> on your office desk sounds nice, until you realize that you\u2019ve precluded yourself from having a moment to recharge\u2014there\u2019s no time for getting up, taking a break and going to the fridge when you\u2019re hustling. Though <\/span>his top comments<\/span><\/a> call him \u201cunemployment final boss,\u201d I think about <\/span>the grind <\/span><\/i>when I watch Hall\u2019s video. The effort in setting up each shot. The self-conscious need to show something a little more aspirational than tap.<\/span><\/p>\n
<\/p>\n Then again, to follow a routine as regimented as Hall\u2019s is also to surrender to it. You don\u2019t need to make choices, least of all about what you\u2019re drinking. I think back to what Punch contributor Jordan Michelman wrote about <\/span>his consumption of La Croix<\/span><\/a>, which he described as \u201creflexive, habitual, desultory\u201d\u2014a bit like an emotional support Saratoga\u2014\u201ca drink to drink when I didn\u2019t feel like using my brain.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\n
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