\u00a0Hi, I hope you are all well. I was thinking about writing about a completely different topic but this came to me, appropriately while I was having a cuppa. I hope you enjoy it and may consider acting as adjudicators for The Cup of Tea Test when visiting schools!\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n ~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n Dear Headteachers,<\/span><\/p>\n As a I hope you For the same It’s For schools I hope you Yours An Aggravated *i.e. not The Cup of 5 Mugs: More Likely Outcome The cheque 4 Mugs: LOV: Probably After you 3 Mugs: LOV: Some Alternatively, You may be 2 Mugs: You LOV: It\u2019s Expect the 1 Mug: Entering Forget any Speaking of LOV: At A pantomime ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<\/p>\n
\nrepresentative of authors and other creative visitors, such as actors and
\nillustrators, I would like to thank the majority of you, your staff and
\nparticularly the children for making us so welcome when we come to work with
\nthe children in your school. We especially appreciate it when you, or one of
\nyour colleagues meets us as we arrive and help us with our often heavy and
\nunwieldy bags and equipment. It is always wonderful when one of the children in
\nthe school can see that you are looking a bit lost, asks if they can help and
\nguide to your next location. They are a credit to you.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nwon\u2019t mind me asking you not to expect us to work in your school for free.
\nDisregarding the fact that the average income of a children\u2019s writer is
\nconsiderably less than a standard teacher, I can\u2019t imagine how many of you, or
\nyour staff, would volunteer to work for nothing. I know this may be a surprise
\nto some of you but despite enjoying what we do, particularly when we\u2019re helping
\nto inspire the children, we have to pay the gas bill as frequently as most
\nother mortals. Whilst it\u2019s not uncommon for some of the children to believe
\nthat as authors we must live in castles, it\u2019s surprising to realise that some
\nof your colleagues seem equally deluded. <\/span><\/p>\n
\nreason, it would be appreciated that you ask your colleagues not to be openly
\nresentful towards us and unsympathetically or unsupportively expecting us to
\nprovide our full pound of flesh, blood and all when offering our services. It
\nmight be worth reminding them not only about the situation already noted but
\nthat also unlike them we\u2019re not receiving pension benefits, sick pay or holiday
\npay and as independent operators don\u2019t enjoy a predictable income. By the same
\ncount could you remind them that if we\u2019re kind enough to leave out copies of
\nour books for them to browse through that it\u2019s actually illegal for them to
\nphotocopy them while we\u2019re away from the staffroom working with the children. (Once
\nmore refer to note above).<\/span><\/p>\n
\nwonderful that so many of you, or your colleagues, insist on making sure that
\nwe are made comfortable when we arrive. I personally believe what I have named
\nThe Cup of Tea Test acts as an incredibly precise measure of how successful and
\nbeneficial for the children a visit is going to be. Indeed I think each school
\nshould be given a rating for the score in The Cup of Tea Test, just like a Michelin
\nscore for restaurants. See suggested rating system below.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nwishing to enhance their grading in this unofficial test, I do acknowledge that
\neach school has its own arrangements for the production and distribution of
\nbeverages for the permanent staff. However, the This Is My Mug! wars are your
\nown business and it would be appropriate for visitors to be provided with mugs
\nthat haven\u2019t just been dug up in an archaeological excavation. Also, actual
\nteabags* need to be available along with milk that isn\u2019t green. Alternatively,
\nif you insist on providing us with one of those horrible black plastic mugs with
\ndon\u2019t-spill-the-tea-on-the-kids lids on (which would otherwise be a great idea,
\nif you could actually drink through the slits) please could we have one that
\nhas been washed since <\/i>the Norman Invasion and doesn\u2019t make the tea taste
\nlike old socks and therefore undrinkable.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nfind my grading system for The Cup of Tea Test below interesting, I have found
\nit virtually infallible. Please feel free to put your school forward for an
\nassessment by you next visiting author.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nsincerely,<\/span><\/p>\n
\nAuthor<\/span><\/p>\n
\njust herbal varieties that have obviously been knocking about for centuries.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nTea Test. Created by Steve \u2018The Cynic\u2019 Way<\/u><\/span><\/p>\n
\nthan one staff member makes sure you have a cup of tea and if not make one for
\nyou. The tea is good quality as is the milk. You may even be offered a biscuit
\nor two! Gasp! NB 80+% of schools fall into this category, thank God.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nof Visit (LOV): If, despite being as overworked as teachers in other schools,
\nthe staff take the time and effort to make you welcome, it is highly likely
\nthat the visit will be a success. The atmosphere that permeates the whole
\nschool will be positive, the children and the teachers will be fully engaged in
\nall the activities and therefore staff and students will benefit from the
\nvisit.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nfor payment for your visit will be handed to you before you leave and before
\nyou have to ask.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nYou\u2019re accompanied to the staff room but left to make the tea for yourself. However
\nthe tea is decent and the milk is not a new life form.<\/span><\/p>\n
\na fairly successful visit, though possibly in at least one session the teacher
\nwill be marking work rather than participating, indicating to her\/his class the
\ndegree of importance the attach to your visit\/contribution.<\/span><\/p>\n
\npolitely ask for payment you have to follow the secretary or head teacher
\naround the school to find the counter-signatory.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nQuestionable mug. Disappointing tea (or the horrible plastic mugs with lids,
\nsee above). Plus you feel guilty every time you make another brew. Milk has a
\nhistory.<\/span><\/p>\n
\ndegree of point to your being there. High degree of possibility one teacher
\nwill ask you \u2013 in front of the children \u2013 if you mind if they rearrange the
\nbooks in the library area while you work with the children. Of course you [expletive]
\ndo but can\u2019t say so in front of the children. See above.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nyou will be expected to work in a space that turns out to be a hub in the
\nschool through which several classes, staff and numerous others will pass,
\nrepeatedly interrupting your presentation. Possibly this will also turn out to
\nbe the space used for the children\u2019s lunch, which you will be turfed out of
\njust as you\u2019re getting to the highlight of your interaction with the children. The
\nhead teacher will later complain that the children didn\u2019t get as much out of
\nyour visit as she\/he had hoped. <\/span><\/p>\n
\nasked to resend your invoice, as the previous one will have been lost and wait several
\nweeks for payment.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nare shown into the staffroom then abandoned. The only mugs available appear to
\nbe on shelves assigned to each teacher. In any case no teabags appear to be
\navailable. A container marked \u2018Coffee\u2019 has a brown stain around the inside of
\nits base. The milk is 50 shades of not white.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nhighly likely that the staff will not attend your presentation, an extreme
\npossibility being that you are joined by one TA for a workshop with four
\nclasses. The teachers apparently relying on osmosis or some other exotic means
\nas a way of knowing how to follow up the session.<\/span><\/p>\n
\ncheque to arrive around the time your overdraft charges accrued while waiting
\nexceed the payment.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nthe staffroom makes you feel like you have ended up with a role in a B movie
\nwestern where you play the part of the unwelcome stranger in the unwelcoming saloon.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nform of beverage, though the milk may by now have evolved into a life form that
\nmight as well join you in your session. At least some of the children may
\nrestore your faith in humanity.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nchildren ensure that you record the invoice in your effects, so that hopefully
\nyour grandchildren may benefit financially from your visit.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nleast one of the teachers is likely to tell you, as the children enter the
\nclassroom, that they are collectively useless and that you \u2018won\u2019t get anything out
\nof this lot\u2019 (NB Ignore this as you probably will, much to the annoyance of
\nsaid teacher). Alternatively, they will completely ignore children misbehaving
\nand undermining your presentation. They see you as a glorified supply teacher
\nand consider discipline your domain while you\u2019re with them. In other cases they
\nwill make such a pantomime of admonishing the children they take over the task
\nof undermining the session.<\/span><\/p>\n
\nalso adequately describes the process you will have to go through to extract
\npayment from this institution.<\/span>\u00a0<\/p>\n
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