{"id":115702,"date":"2025-02-28T18:30:15","date_gmt":"2025-02-28T18:30:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/peraltafinancing.com\/business\/legal\/seaton-writes-a-pilot-glen-the-grocery-store-greeter\/"},"modified":"2025-02-28T18:30:15","modified_gmt":"2025-02-28T18:30:15","slug":"seaton-writes-a-pilot-glen-the-grocery-store-greeter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=115702","title":{"rendered":"Seaton Writes A Pilot: Glen, The Grocery Store Greeter"},"content":{"rendered":"


\n<\/p>\n

\n

Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I\u2019m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. It\u2019s based off a Friday Funny post that was kind of a weird fever-dream sort of thing during the pandemic and I\u2019m honestly not even sure if it\u2019s on the website anymore (SHG does the post title here ring a bell? Just curious.)[Ed. Note: It\u2019s here<\/a>.].<\/em><\/p>\n

Anyway I wanted to bring Glen the Grocery Store Greeter to the modern era and try to make him funny today. Hope you enjoy this because next week shit\u2019s going to get weird.\u2014CLS<\/em><\/p>\n

COLD OPEN<\/h4>\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 ENTRANCE \u2013 NIGHT<\/strong><\/p>\n

The store hums with late-night shoppers\u2014tired parents, college kids, and a guy in pajamas buying beer. GLEN HARRIS (30s, wiry, quick smirk, wearing a faded orange apron) stands by the sliding doors, greeting with a mix of charm and sass. His name tag: \u201cGlen \u2013 Ask Me Anything.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
(to a MOM with a screaming toddler)<\/em>
Welcome to Volunteer Value Mart, where the deals are great and the meltdowns are free. Need a cart or a tranquilizer?<\/p>\n

The MOM laughs despite herself, grabbing a cart. A COLLEGE KID with a vape strolls in.<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Hey, Juul Caesar, welcome back. aisle five\u2019s got your ramen fix. Don\u2019t set off the smoke alarm again.<\/p>\n

The KID grins sheepishly. Suddenly, a LOUD CRASH from the canned goods aisle. Glen sighs, mutters.<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Perfect. Night shift\u2019s already a circus, and now the clowns are loose.<\/p>\n

He heads toward the noise as the screen cuts to the title: GLEN THE GREETER.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

ACT ONE<\/h4>\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 MANAGER\u2019S OFFICE \u2013 NIGHT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glen sits across from BRENDA (50s, perpetually frazzled manager) in a cluttered office. She\u2019s holding a dented can of peas.<\/em><\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
Glen, explain why I\u2019ve got a customer claiming you told him to \u201cshove his complaint where the sun don\u2019t shine\u201d?<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
(deadpan)<\/em>
He was yelling about expired coupons while blocking the door. I suggested an alternative storage option. Politely.<\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
(rubs temples)<\/em>
You\u2019re a greeter, not a comedian. Just say \u201chello,\u201d point \u2018em to the aisles, and keep your mouth shut about their anatomy.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
So, smile like a robot and let the idiots run wild? Brenda, I\u2019m the only thing keeping this place from turning into Lord of the Flies.<\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
One more incident, Glen, and you\u2019re on cart duty in the snow.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
(mock salute)<\/em>
Yes, ma\u2019am. Smiles only. No sass. Pinky swear.<\/p>\n\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 ENTRANCE \u2013 LATER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glen\u2019s back at his post, forcing a grin. JIMMY (20s, lanky cashier) leans over.<\/em><\/p>\n

JIMMY<\/strong>
Heard you\u2019re on thin ice. Told you not to mess with Coupon Carl.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Guy\u2019s got a binder thicker than the Bible and half the grace. I\u2019m doing society a favor.<\/p>\n

A SHADY GUY in a hoodie slips in, hands shoved deep in pockets. Glen clocks him but sticks to \u201cgreeting.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Welcome to Value Mart, buddy. Steal anything, and I\u2019ll personally gift-wrap you for security.<\/p>\n

The GUY smirks and heads off. Jimmy chuckles.<\/em><\/p>\n

JIMMY<\/strong>
Real subtle, Glen.<\/p>\n\n

ACT TWO<\/h4>\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 PRODUCE AISLE \u2013 NIGHT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glen helps MISS EDNA (80s, feisty regular) pick tomatoes. She\u2019s got opinions.<\/em><\/p>\n

MISS EDNA<\/strong>
These tomatoes look like they\u2019ve been sittin\u2019 here since Nixon. You oughta fire your supplier.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Miss Edna, I\u2019d fire the whole world for you, but I just wave at folks. Want me to smuggle you some from the back?<\/p>\n

She cackles. A SCREAM cuts through\u2014near the registers. Glen bolts over.<\/em><\/p>\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 CHECKOUT \u2013 CONTINUOUS<\/strong><\/p>\n

The SHADY GUY from earlier is stuffing candy bars into his pants, arguing with Jimmy.<\/em><\/p>\n

SHADY GUY<\/strong>
Mind your business, kid!<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
(arriving)<\/em>
Hey, Candy Pants, welcome to the part where you don\u2019t rob my store. Drop it, or I drop you into next week.<\/p>\n

The GUY hesitates, then bolts. Glen grabs a broom, trips him into a display of ramen. Customers cheer. Brenda storms in.<\/em><\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
Glen! What did I just say?!<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Technically, I didn\u2019t sass him. I just\u2026 creatively greeted him into submission.<\/p>\n\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 BREAK ROOM \u2013 LATER<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glen sits with Jimmy and LUCIA (30s, tough-as-nails stocker), eating stale donuts.<\/em><\/p>\n

LUCIA<\/strong>
You\u2019re gonna get canned, man. Brenda\u2019s got no chill.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Worth it. That guy\u2019s been hitting every store on the block. Someone\u2019s gotta draw the line.<\/p>\n

JIMMY<\/strong>
Yeah, but why\u2019s it always you?<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
\u2018Cause I\u2019m the only one dumb enough to care about this dump.<\/p>\n

He smirks, but there\u2019s truth in it.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

ACT THREE<\/h4>\n

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 ENTRANCE \u2013 NIGHT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Closing time nears. Glen greets a LAST CUSTOMER when Brenda approaches, softer now.<\/em><\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
Security\u2019s got your candy thief. Cops are on the way. You\u2019re lucky it worked out.<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Luck\u2019s got nothing to do with it. I\u2019m a greeter with principles.<\/p>\n

BRENDA<\/strong>
(almost smiles)<\/em>
Maybe we need a \u201cgreeter with attitude\u201d position. Just\u2026 dial it back, huh?<\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
No promises.<\/p>\n

They share a look. Glen turns to the empty store, satisfied.<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
(to himself)<\/em>
Welcome to my kingdom, Knoxville.<\/p>\n

Upbeat music swells. Fade out.<\/em><\/p>\n\n

END TAG<\/h4>\n

EXT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART \u2013 PARKING LOT \u2013 NIGHT<\/strong><\/p>\n

Glen locks up, finds a stray coupon on the ground. He pockets it.<\/em><\/p>\n

GLEN<\/strong>
Never know when Miss Edna\u2019ll need a deal.<\/p>\n

He walks off, whistling.<\/em><\/p>\n

FADE TO BLACK.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

So what did you guys think? Pretty good, right? No? Well then piss off. I thought it was funny and I\u2019m the one who wrote the damn jokes.<\/p>\n

Anyway have a great weekend and come back here next week for something weirder that involves 100% more zombies. Probably. Anyway it\u2019s really weird and you don\u2019t want to miss it.<\/p>\n

But not as weird as leaving your Christmas tree up until the first of March. Which is totally not something I\u2019ve ever done or am in the process of doing and even if I was you shouldn\u2019t judge.<\/p>\n

See you next week, everybody!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I\u2019m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. It\u2019s based off a Friday Funny post that was kind of a weird fever-dream sort of thing during the pandemic and I\u2019m honestly not even sure if it\u2019s on […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":115704,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[97],"tags":[23486,51370,3626,1042,38234,2075,4031],"dealstore":[],"offerexpiration":[],"class_list":["post-115702","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-legal","tag-glen","tag-greeter","tag-grocery","tag-pilot","tag-seaton","tag-store","tag-writes"],"yoast_head":"\nSeaton Writes A Pilot: Glen, The Grocery Store Greeter - Som2ny Network<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/fivemor.com\/?p=115702\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Seaton Writes A Pilot: Glen, The Grocery Store Greeter - Som2ny Network\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Prefatory Note: To close out the month of February I\u2019m pleased to share with all of you a pilot for a TV sitcom I recently wrote. 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